“Dating is supposed to be fun?!” Three relationship tips I wish I knew sooner

Dating is hard, whether you’re neurodivergent or not. I know exactly one man who got insanely lucky: after spending high entire high school and college career alone, he started a fitness routine, had an incredible glow-up, changed his mindset around women and dating, then started a new job, where he promptly met his future wife. Now they live in a beautiful house with two beautiful furchildren (a cat and a dog, both orange, both sharing a brain cell.) It can happen!

More often than not…oh, how we struggle. Finding someone you’re attracted to, who’s attracted to you, is self-sufficient enough to not need gentle parenting techniques, and isn’t a sociopath? Needle in a haystack, lately.

Not to mention a lot of neurodivergent women are seen as too honest, even gullible. Any people-pleasing tendencies we have are rife for exploitation; emotionally abusive or narcissistic people seem to have a special ability to sniff us out as ideal prey. Then couple that with the intersecting struggle of being perceived as the “weaker sex.” It’s no wonder it took me 28 years on this earth to realize dating was supposed to be an enjoyable experience, not a constant test of endurance and obligations!

You could get your dating tips from TikTok — no shortage of it there — but a lot of what you find on the apps paints relationships with the same, broad brush. What if the relationship escalator isn’t for you?

I’ve realized that there are only three tips I need to follow to make sure I’m having a good, safe time on these dating streets. Here’s what I wish I knew back when I first started.

Dating is not an audition to be someone’s spouse!

Securely-attached people don’t expect you to perform, be perfect, or prove yourself in earn their love. Full stop. If you don’t want to get married or have kids, there are multiple someones out there who would be ecstatic to hear that. And regardless of what lonely single men in women’s Instagram comments say, there is absolutely no time limit to finding that person.

I have friends who found their life partners in their fifties — some married, some not — and they’re the happiest olds I know, because those couples naturally align with one another. They like each other, just as they are. Imagine that!

Many neurodivergent women were conditioned from childhood to believe people pleasing is the only way we’ll ever belong. We learn to tolerate and make excuses for poor treatment, or take every little nitpick from a dating partner and add it to our “Fix It” list until we’re run completely ragged. If you didn’t opt-in to whatever your date is appraising you for, and you’re feeling pressured to change yourself as a result, they’re not the one.

And another thing! Some people swear by the statement that “you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else.” This is especially bad advice for autists; the implication here is that if you’re ignored or even abused, you’re the one to blame for not “loving yourself enough” to see through whatever masks that person put up to trap you in the first place. And holding yourself to impossible standards is bad, actually.

Pursue what you want, and leave the rest

Finding a safe and supportive partner requires more than a laundry list of red flags. It’s one thing to know what you don’t want in a relationship, but getting crystal-clear on what makes you feel loved and safe will help you walk away from power plays, ultimatums, and other insane behaviors — not a week after you see them, but right now. Because you’ll know what real love feels like to you, specifically.

Constantly looking out for red flags in people will burn you out fast, and abusers are professionals at masking their bad vibes, anyway. A healthier way to think of it is: date yourself first.

You already know the negatives, so reflect on what’s positive

Journaling is great for this. I’ve been journaling about my dating experiences for two decades, and…oof. Young me was so desperate to be liked she put up with just about anything, but once I started reflecting on what actually made me happy, I stopped entertaining basement-dwellers and ended up jet setting with a fellow autist for four years. A good question to ask: “Would I wish this person on my closest friend?”

A change in mindset won’t happen overnight, and your Perfect Person is probably not going to drop out of the sky the moment it does. But what it will do is give you the peace to pursue your own goals in the meantime, and the confidence to walk away from potential partners whose idea of love looks uncannily similar to hate.

Pay attention to a partner’s consistency. The second their words don’t match their words, their attitude shifts out of nowhere, or they’re making fanciful promises you know they can’t keep, don’t even worry about it. Just thank them for their time and keep it pushing.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

If you experience behavior that makes you uncomfortable (lies, even by omission; cheating; manipulation; gossiping or pettiness), that’s all the reason you need. Some might say this advice is toxic, but there’s a huge chasm between being flighty or skittish and protecting your boundaries.

Again, a bunch of angry men on the internet would prefer if women had no boundaries, and will fight to the ends of the earth to demand it. Who cares? If you know you don’t want to date someone who’s capable of being emotionally abusive…don’t date them!

People can change their bad behavior. In my experience, the people running back to you with statements like “I can change!” or “I went to therapy!” two days after you’re done with them…are not those people.

It’s possible for abusers to see the error in their ways, reflect on their actions, and come back to you having done the work to earn your forgiveness. It’s also possible to spend two years with a kind, loving partner, just for him to become a tyrant the moment you’re married.

People change. That’s why it’s so important to invest your time in people who are consistent in the things that matter to you, personally. Settling for someone who bullies you, cheats on you, or makes you miserable isn’t a “compromise;” it’s self-harm.

But here’s possibly the hardest pill to swallow, neurodivergent or not:

If you think you can change them, you might be the problem

Once upon a time on Google Meet, my boss gave me the worst unsolicited relationship advice I’ve ever heard: “Just find someone you kind of like, and then train him to be someone you love!”

I mean…this does work. It worked for her. It worked for my last roommate, who put her now-husband on a skincare and workout routine, dressed him, taught him exactly what to say to her family to impress them…and now they’re married. Yeah. It works.

Some people will appear happily pliable, tolerant, or “trainable.” But think back to when you were expected to be those things. Were you vocal about how it made you feel? Did you enjoy the constant tasks and things to fix, or did you do it because you wanted to make them happy?

Personally, I hate being told what to do, how to behave, and what to say. But my early journal entries were filled with me doing it all anyway. Because I was scared to be alone and thought I needed someone, anyone, in my corner.

There could be nothing wrong with this relationship dynamic at all. But it never hurts to be brave and ask. We’re not mind readers; we can’t know for sure if they’re happily following our lead or if we’re exploiting their insecurities or self-esteem issues. Are you consistent with how you treat your dates? Or do you move the goalposts according to your own insecurities?

Hurt people hurt people. Finding someone “good enough” and trying to change them could be well-intentioned and abusive at the same time. Wanting reassurance in a relationship or dating situation is perfectly normal, but calming your need for certainty and order by controlling your partner definitely isn’t.

Consistency in all things

At the end of the day, dating shouldn’t feel like a second job or a never-ending project. It’s not about enduring constant stress, walking on eggshells, or trying to mold yourself (or someone else) into an idealized version of what a partner should be. In my opinion, it’s about seeking mutual joy, respect, and consistency. When you focus on what truly makes you feel loved and valued, you stop wasting time on relationships that drain you and start investing in the ones that align with your well-being.

So if you’re out here navigating the dating world, take a breath. You don’t have to rush, settle, or fix someone to find happiness. The right relationships will allow you to be your whole, unfiltered self without fear of rejection or ridicule. And if someone tells you — through actions, words, or both — that they aren’t capable of giving you that? Believe them. Then, keep it moving toward something better.