The scourge of perfectionism (+ 100 more self sabotage journal prompts)

Anger teaches us what we stand for. Sadness shows us where we’re imbalanced. Joy teaches us what makes us tick. But perfectionism is the thief of joy.
People, pets, hobbies, work, callings — what brings us joy is special to us, informs us of what makes life work living. What happens when we take these joyful experiences and try to control, optimize, or “perfect” them? More often than not, relationships end, and opportunities waste away. We sabotage our own joy until it leaves us.
If you’ve been there, you know how much self-sabotaging behavior can sting. But why does it happen, and what can you do to stop it?
I struggled with self sabotage for most of my twenties before I began to dig deep and truly understand what was going on. Over the years I’ve collected some tips and journal prompts for managing and ultimately ending my self-sabotage era, plus other strategies I’ve found around the autistic community. Here’s how to identify and understand your own self sabotaging tendencies, and start working on solving them.
What is self sabotage, and why do I do it?
Autistic people, especially women, grapple with many intersecting struggles every day: uncomfortable environments, difficult social situations, pressure to mask, and an onslaught of fast-paced demands we rarely have the energy for, to name a few. Trying to keep up with everything can cause actual trauma and teach us to put more stock in other people’s plans for us than our own.
When this happens, it might make sense to us to stop listening to our own desires, or even discard them altogether. We learn that having a place to belong requires our constant service. Anything outside of that service should be relegated to our alone time, at the end of the day, when we’re too exhausted from people pleasing to make an effort.
Maybe after all of this, you’ve noticed the pattern of serving and burning out. Maybe you’ve reflected and ultimately learned that self-worth comes from standing up for yourself, only to discover that when you finally do listen to your own needs and find out what you want — be that lifestyle, career, relationships, anything — you make a choice that cons you own of your first steps into autonomy, terrified to standing on your own two feet. That is self-sabotage.
Self-sabotaging behaviors
There are dozens of ways you can cheat yourself out of a good thing, but the following are especially common for autists. You can absolutely learn how to curb these behaviors over time, but the first step is acknowledging them!
- Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards and beating yourself up when these standards aren’t met.
- People pleasing: Overcommitting, neglecting personal needs, or avoiding confrontation to maintain harmony.
- Boundary issues: Keeping the peace by forcing yourself to accept violations of your physical and emotional needs.
- Avoidant behavior: Procrastination, hiding away from social or professional opportunities, or numbing emotions through unhealthy habits.
- Negative self-talk: Constantly doubting abilities, dismissing achievements, or engaging in self-critical inner dialogue. Essentially being your own bigger hater.
- Deep dependency on routines and control: Managing uncertainty by becoming rigidly attached to routines or controlling behaviors.
- Impulsive decisions and risk-taking: Making hasty decisions, overspending, or engaging in risky behaviors as a way to cope with dysregulation.
- Hyper-independence: Refusing help, avoiding vulnerability, or committing to handle everything alone by any means necessary.
- Self-isolation: Avoiding social time, even when craving connection.
- Overcompensating through masking: Suppressing your true self to appear more neurotypical, sometimes to the point where you struggle to truly know yourself.
- Catastrophizing: Over-analyzing situations and imagining worst-case scenarios out of hypervigilance, often leading to decision paralysis and leaving you stagnant.
My self-sabotage highlight reel
My self-sabotaging journey (if you can call it that) has been a roller coaster. Back when my social skills could be described as “feral,” I would date people I barely liked. Why? Because they said they liked me and seemed nice. Even when their actions reflected the opposite of niceness, I desperately wanted a place to belong, choosing to cling to a twisted, funhouse mirror version of love to avoid being alone, over and over.
After dropping out of college at 19, I made several attempts in my twenties to re-enroll. The anxiety I felt from mountains of assignments, group projects, and deadlines filled me with dread until I’d become physically ill and take another leave of absence.
Early in my career I was terrified of losing my job, so I cheerfully accepted every request and accepted feedback from even the most nefarious colleagues, leading to a ton of workplace bullying before I finally learned to stand up for myself.
More recently, after COVID-19 lockdowns ended and we were free to carefully socialize, I would accept any invitation to hang out, only to retreat into my apartment with a drink and YouTube, ignoring calls and texts to rot in bed all evening.
I eventually rewired myself to stop all of these damaging behaviors. (Almost all of them; I still run out of spoons and need to hide from the world from time to time!) It takes a lot of work, but if you can acknowledge that you owe yourself a fighting chance at life, you can make it happen!
Strategies to end self sabotage
Learning how to manage your own self-sabotaging behaviors requires patience and enough self-compassion to invest in yourself. If you can see a trauma-informed therapist or counselor, even a session or two can help you identify underlying issues that you’re unconsciously coping with through self-sabotage.
Joining or building a support network will help you connect with people who share similar experiences. Discord and Facebook offers dozens of support groups with channels specific to mental health.
Slowly but surely, build new skills! Focus on small, manageable steps to rebuild your confidence and sense of autonomy. Some people might not agree with me here, but a huge first step for me was cutting people out of my life who seemed to feel entitled to pushing my boundaries. When I realized I was able to feel the difference in my nervous system, I could acknowledge that my choice made me feel safer in my own body, which boosted my dormant self-trust.
Finally, self-compassion is crucial. Develop a mindfulness practice to challenge inner critic in your head.
One fantastic way to do this is through journaling, of course — but you knew that already, right?
100 journal prompts to understand your self sabotaging behaviors
Without further ado, have a look through my list of journal prompts designed to help you explore and overcome perfectionism and self-sabotaging behaviors.
Try to commit to spending at least 10 minutes on one prompt a day, for a full week. For the first three prompts, focus on the issues that you need clarity on. For the remaining four days, pick prompts that will help you decide on small actions or habits you can take daily to combat your self-limiting beliefs.
Reflection on Perfectionism
- What does perfection mean to me, and where did I learn this definition?
2. How does striving for perfection hold me back from starting or finishing tasks?
3. Write about a time you achieved something despite it not being perfect.
4. How does my self-worth relate to my accomplishments?
5. What unrealistic standards am I holding myself to?
6. Who or what am I trying to prove myself to?
7. What would “good enough” look like in my life?
8. How do I react when I make mistakes, and why?
9. Write about a time when embracing imperfection led to a positive outcome.
10. How does perfectionism affect my relationships with others?
Understanding Self-Sabotage
11. What are my common self-sabotaging behaviors?
12. When did I first notice myself engaging in self-sabotage?
13. What emotions come up when I think about success?
14. What am I afraid of losing if I succeed?
15. How do I procrastinate, and what triggers it?
16. Write about a fear that keeps me from taking action.
17. How do I feel when I’m about to complete a goal?
18. What small steps can I take to counter self-sabotage today?
19. What are my biggest distractions, and how do they serve me?
20. How do I talk to myself when I fail or make a mistake?
Building Self-Compassion
21. Write a letter to yourself as if you were your best friend.
22. What does self-compassion mean to me?
23. How would my life change if I forgave myself for past mistakes?
24. What is one kind thing I can do for myself today?
25. Write about a time when I felt proud of myself.
26. What affirmations can I tell myself when I feel imperfect?
27. What would I tell a loved one who is struggling with perfectionism?
28. What do I need to hear when I’m being too hard on myself?
29. How can I celebrate my efforts rather than just my outcomes?
30. What can I learn from my mistakes instead of punishing myself for them?
Exploring Goals and Intentions
31. Are my goals realistic and aligned with my values?
32. Write about a goal that excites you, even if it feels risky.
33. What would success look like for me if I let go of perfectionism?
34. What is one goal I’ve been avoiding, and why?
35. How can I break my goals into smaller, more achievable steps?
36. What’s a “perfect” goal I can reframe as “progress-focused”?
37. What habits are preventing me from reaching my goals?
38. Write about a goal you achieved despite setbacks.
39. How can I balance ambition with self-care?
40. What does success feel like emotionally, rather than look like externally?
Challenging Limiting Beliefs
41. What beliefs do I hold about failure?
42. What evidence do I have that contradicts my limiting beliefs?
43. Write about a time when my worst fear didn’t come true.
44. Who inspires me, and how do they handle imperfection?
45. How do societal or cultural pressures influence my beliefs about success?
46. What is one belief about myself I want to challenge?
47. Write about a fear that seems irrational but feels real to me.
48. How has self-doubt held me back in the past?
49. What is the worst that could happen if I fail?
50. What is the best that could happen if I try?
Overcoming Procrastination
51. What tasks do I avoid, and why?
52. How does procrastination protect me from discomfort?
53. What small step can I take on a project I’ve been avoiding?
54. What rewards can I give myself for making progress?
55. How can I make an overwhelming task more manageable?
56. Write about how I feel when I finish something I’ve been putting off.
57. What’s one task I can complete today, no matter how small?
58. What negative thoughts arise when I procrastinate?
59. How can I turn my focus to the process instead of the outcome?
60. How would my life improve if I procrastinated less?
Practicing Gratitude and Acceptance
61. What am I grateful for in myself today?
62. Write about three qualities I appreciate about myself.
63. What imperfections have become strengths in my life?
64. How has failure shaped me in positive ways?
65. Write about a moment of joy that had nothing to do with success.
66. How can I show gratitude for where I am in life right now?
67. What is one thing I love about my journey so far?
68. How can I practice gratitude for my efforts, even if I don’t see results yet?
69. What do I value about my personal growth, not just my achievements?
70. How can I honor my progress, no matter how small?
Shifting Focus
71. What would my life look like if I embraced imperfection fully?
72. How can I focus on the process rather than the outcome today?
73. Write about a time when letting go of control felt liberating.
74. How does pursuing perfection affect my mental and physical health?
75. What hobbies or activities can I enjoy without trying to be perfect?
76. What would I do differently if I knew nobody was judging me?
77. Write about how it feels to embrace curiosity instead of fear.
78. How can I practice being present in the moment today?
79. How can I measure success in ways that don’t rely on external validation?
80. What does living authentically mean to me?
Creating New Narratives
81. What’s a story I tell myself that no longer serves me?
82. How can I rewrite my narrative around failure?
83. Write about my future self and how they overcome perfectionism.
84. What would I say to my younger self about self-worth?
85. What empowering story can I tell myself when I feel stuck?
86. How can I view challenges as opportunities instead of setbacks?
87. Write a letter to myself celebrating my resilience.
88. What parts of my life already feel “perfect” in their imperfection?
89. How has my definition of success evolved over time?
90. What strengths have I developed because of my challenges?
Embracing Change and Growth
91. How have I grown in the past year despite challenges?
92. What new opportunities could arise if I embrace imperfection?
93. Write about a time when change led to unexpected growth.
94. How can I remind myself that I am a work in progress?
95. What habits can I build to support my growth mindset?
96. What areas of my life could benefit from more flexibility?
97. How can I celebrate the journey, not just the destination?
98. What do I need to let go of to grow?
99. How can I practice patience with myself during difficult times?
100. What’s one step I can take today toward self-acceptance?
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